Four Loko

Four Loko is the pinnacle of Bad Caffeinated Malt Liquors, the drinks that the government wants to keep you from, your momma warns you about and your fellow idiot drinkers give you High Fives for chugging. Four Loco is the most badass of all the badass caffeinated Malt Liquors out there.

For those poor souls not in the Know, Four LOKO is a fruit punch flavor. As The Drunk Pirate puts it, "It actually doesn’t taste almost completely unlike fruit punch." Four comes in four flavors too - watermelon, blue raspberry, this fruit punch and a lemonade (still searching high and low for that one). Four is different in that while no one would ever say this tastes good, this does not taste nearly as paint-thinner-on-the top-of-your-mouth bad. I have heard some people say this stuff actually tastes OK! ( I have heard quite a few say this stuff is the f*ing bomb, but those people that arrive at the party already looking like they are going to barf.) The fruit punch is very reminiscent of experiences I had when I was younger, trying to make a bottle of Popov, Kamchatka or Tvarski Vodkas ( you know your alcohol is high quality stuff when they sell it in plastic "unbreakable" tubs with spill-proof lids) and mixing it with Hawaiian Punch to kill the evil.

My advice to you is to not get just One. You gotta buy 2 at least - because just one will leave you happy, silly, energized and so plastered you will be giving your friends joke material for weeks. By drinking more, you will be gifting your buddies enough blackmail and hilarity that they will be torturing you for months, even years after that fateful night. You must start drinking this early, because the calorie content is supposed to be in Whopper with mayo range - and two will definitely fill you for a while.

Think of it this way. Drinking a can of Four LOKO is the same as drinking a 40 of Mickeys plus a can of Bud PLUS drinking a couple shots of Espresso! After 2 cans, slurring is mandatory and locomotor skills are purely voluntary. I found myself wandering downtown Union Square San Francisco asking the sleeping homeless for directions to my hotel - and loving every second. This is not your sleepy stupid drunk, quite the opposite. This is a happy energized dancing at everything making bad decisions and telling your secrets to strangers kind of drunk.

If you do enjoy this kind of evening entertainment, I would say to enjoy it quickly, as the government might be banning these drinks soon enough, and the chances of finding them at your local gas station/Liquor store are going to become very rare. Remember, that for all the fun you have the night before, the morning after you will pay a most terrible price.