Flatt Energy Cola

I used to enjoy a Coke or Pepsi every now and then as a way to kick back and relax with a heavily sugared soda.  I did not do it very much - as the calorie count is a little higher than I would like, but I still found Coke or Pepsi to be tasty enough , if not a little bland.  Unfortunately, I am now ruined.  Coca Cola now tastes like a mix of old cigarette butts, vinegar and cheap alcohol.  My enjoyment of mass produced colas are ruined forever, and it is all the fault of Flatt Cola.

Flatt Cola is not actually flat, not even close.  Everything about this drink puts every other cola drink to shame. This is not a high falootin' craft cola you can only find in fancy stores for 3 bucks a bottle - if you are fortunate enough to live in Wisconsin you might even find them in your local Piggly Wiggly.  This is just the best damn every-day drinking cola product I have seen to date.  I am truly surprised more people have not demanded Flatt to be carried around their areas.  I know I now have a small following who I gave some samples to that are now craving more Flatt too.  I need global Flatt domination, in a big way. Flatt looks great, tastes amazing and gives a great little boost of energy - what more could you possibly want?

Packaging:10
In case you were ever wondering how you make the perfect design for an 8 ounce energy drink - you really need not look further for examples.  When they sent me samples, they came in a beautifully designed cardboard case - amusing enough that it was difficult to toss it into the recycling.  One of my co-workers wanted it for her desk inside.  For being a small cute 8 ounce can, they put a ton of work into it.  the design looks like a Where's Waldo cartoon, but because everything is drawn in outlines the design does not overtake the logo - which is very unique and striking. They double face the can, and even list the caffeine content!  This is the type of can which compels a person to want to drink what is inside.

Taste:10
It is unbelievable how bad this makes regular Pepsi taste.  After drinking down a mere 8 ounces of Flatt, I don't think I will be able to drink commercially available cola anymore.  I had to pour my Coca-Cola and Pepsi samples down the drain because they were so completely undrinkable.

Unlike Red Bull cola, which was a reinvention of what cola flavor is supposed to taste like,  Flatt really concentrated on making their cola taste like a cola.  While they certainly brought out a mouthful of great flavors, unless you are a Cola Connoisseur you probably won't be able to call out the individual spices (Cinnamon? Ginger?  Chocolate?  Maybe...).  Flatt tastes all spicy and bold - something refreshing and satisfying, even in just an 8 ounce container.

Buzz:7
Flatt Cola markets itself as a high energy cola, not really an energy drink.  This is a very accurate description too - as it is first and foremost a cola.  The ingredients list has cola-like ingredients, like caramel color, preservatives, and the mysterious "natural ingredients", so there is no way of finding out why this cola tastes so much better than any others.  But there is a fe very unique ingredients I did not expect to see in here.

Rather than the usual overdose of Vitamin B almost every energy substance in the world has in it, Flatt went for 100% of your daily value of vitamin C.  I am not sure what vitamin C has to do with energy or taste, but I like it for a change of pace.  Flatt also uses real sugar (no sucralose or HFCS found in here) and is powered by 65mg of caffeine.

I liked the buzz you can get out of a can - even if it is not super-powerful.  For one, this means that you could down two cans of it and not feel like your heart is going to explode.  Also, with the high sugar content it is just enough of a boost to help with the afternoon slump and not get you wired up the whole night long.   Of course, I would go NUTS if they ever had a high-test version - something with a serious dose of caffeine.

Still for being a high-octane cola, this is by far the best one I have ever had the pleasure to taste.  If you are not fortunate to live in their area of the world, you can also find them online here.

Fast Twitch performance drink

Anyone who has ever taken protein shakes before heading tot he gym knows the best thing you can ever take beforehand is a Muscle Milk.  OK, well there are some that deride it, but that is like pissing on Gatorade if you are a football player - no one takes you seriously.  I have only had one complaint with Muscle Milk - no caffeine.

While I have not seen any caffeinated Muscle Milks, the people behind it, CytoSport, have released something that works just as well for hard cardio in the gym - Fast Twitch.  Unfortunately it is not in nearly as cool as container as their other products, but for powering into and recovering from intense cardio, I am very impressed.

fast twitch describes a certain kind of muscle fibers, that control something or another - really don't know or care.  I dont even know what that has to do with workout drinks, but apparently they do.  According to their site, "the nitric oxide enhancing system in Fast Twitch provides important nutrients to enhance blood flow and oxygen delivery to exercising muscle that help speed the recovery process".  I have no clue what that means either. I would call shenanigans on the whole thing, except this drink truly is a killer in the gym.

Packaging:9
For being a plain ol' PET bottle, they really pushed this to the extreme.  Firstly, it is a big 20oz bottle, although it still fits into a stationary bike cup holder pretty easily.  It is very busy - but they pushed all the important information tot eh top, and let the unimportant stuff blend into the background.  The bottle is widemouthed, so it is supremely easy to suck down - and the printing is very nicely done too.  They handily list the caffeine (twice!) as well as other nutrients in a very easy to read fashion.  While they did not go out on a limb with design or uniqueness, they made a pet bottle function about as well as one possibly can.

Taste: 8
They did a great job here with the flavor too.  The one I picked up is flavored purple; not grape - but actually purple flavored.  If you have recently eaten a purple otter pop you will know what I am talking about.  This does not taste grapey or even berry - just purple and yummy.  When compared to other purple flavored sport drinks, this easily kicks Powerade and Gatorade's ass.  This is the same sort of flavor, only Fast Twitch is less sweet and more salty - really refreshing me on the treadmill.  I loved how this was not sticky, and was so easy to guzzle down in the middle of a hard workout.
Of course, I would not get near this if I wasn't working out.  There is something about the saltiness and medicinal tinge which always is off putting if you have it while just hanging around. But if you are in the middle of doing sweaty physical stuff, it is sweet sweet nectar.

Buzz:9
This is one of the more powerful and near perfect recovery drinks I have tried - and I have tried a lot.  there is a good 200mg caffeine boost in here, enough to help recover as well as get a good dose while working out.  While I still don't buy the whole nictric oxide thing, I can tell you that it absolutely hydrates and boosts stamina.  All this for a zero calorie drink that also packs in good workout stuff too.

The other good things I found in here was a nicely sized dose of creatine and L-Arganine.  The arganine, Citruline and betaine is supposed to speed up your metabolism - but  i dont think it is in a strong enough dose to work for you.  I certainly did not feel the usual thermogenic heat I get after drinking something high in those three nutrients.  To help the boost they also pump a bunch of vitamin B, taurine an glucurolactone.

While Muscle Milk might be everyone's favorite in the free weight side of the gym, Fast Twitch certainly has what it takes to comfortably take over the cardio side as well.

Vigor-Ex extreme sexual enhancement pills

Bhelliom energy products never cease to amuse me.  I have had a good number of their pills to try for a number of years, and they seem to range from the ridiculous to the downright deadly.  My last products I have from them is a powerful sexual pill called Vigor-Ex.  While it might seem like this might be a good thing if you were going to get back with your old flame, turns out this is just supposed to make men feel...something.  I mean, it is pretty obvious from the packaging that it will try  to improve sex lives for men.  To be specific the packaging states that it will "supercharge your love life and produce an extreme sexual experience".  While it doesn't say bigger stronger or longer anywhere on the package I guess that's to be assumed.

Just to make sure, I thought I could put it to test during my last date night with the wife , which was going to conclude with a late night showing of Girl With  Dragon Tattoo.  Now, for those of you who really do live under rocks, the movie features a few titillating scenes, the bulk of the movie involves twisted family dramas, Nazis, psychopathic killers being very icky and brutal anal rape, all taking place in the very romantic backdrop of sweden in the winter.   I guess we could have seen the latest Twilight movie instead, but then I would have had to burn my eyes out to stop the pain of mormon vampire abstinance porn and that would have really been unromantic.

Instead, My wife and I popped a pill (even through it specifically said it was formulated for men, headed into our getaway hotel room and waited to see if I would explode in a vigorous fury of sexual energy. Unfortunately, instead of it keeping me UP for hours and hours, it just kept me up hours and hours.  Aphrodisiac this isn't, but it worked great for a pill that will make sure you won't be able to fall asleep for a long long time.

One of the more amusing things about this package is it doesn't really give any specifics as to what it's going to do. I guess this way they can not get into any trouble when it does not do anything.  until I read the ingredients, I could not tell if this as supposed to make me harder, longer, faster or even punch holes into cinderblocks.  All I knew is it was supposed to make me superman.

Part of that confusion is that they do not list their ingredients, and instead say that this i full of a fake ingredient, called Vigor-Ex.  it is only upon very close inspection that you can see the real power behind this formula - in the way of an undisclosed amount of caffeine and Yohimbe.

I Hate Yohimbe.

Yohimbe is this crazy bark that is found in Africa.  Yohimbe is a psychoactive drug which for some crazy reason is still legal - and really fucks me up.  I hate the stuff.  It does weird and freaky things to me and the worst part is that those effects are completely normal too.  Yes - yohimbe does increase your desire to have sex, and can stimulate your penis if you are having a problem getting it up.  They used to prescribe the stuff before Viagra to men with erectile dysfunction.All would be fine there - except for those damned side effects.

Side effects like nausea, high blood pressure, a racing heartbeat, dizziness, uber sexy drooling, sinus pain, irritability, headache, frequent urination, bloating, rashes, vomiting. mmm nothing says "Lets get it on" like a drooling vomiting dude with a headache.When you add in there that it will make those with PTSD and schizophrenia psychotic, causes kidney failures and heart attack, yohimbe can be some scary shit indeed.

I can tell you that this is what Yohimbines to do me.  In a big enough dose, I start to tremble - like someone walked over my grave.  My skin starts to prickle up, and I get cold shivers.  This is because of something else it is known for, called thermogenics.  This is where your metabolism speeds up, and makes your body hot while your skin gets cold - linda like going from the hot tub to a cold shower.  It's not pleasant.  But, it is a great fat burner which is the reason it is in a whole lot of fat burning products too.

Also it keeps we wide awake.  When this is mixed with caffeine I know I am in for one long ass evening.  While I have had stronger formulas of caffeine and yohimbe, this one still kept me awake for hours. I felt fortunate actually.  Some of Bhelliom's products have the effect of , turning me into a sex crazed sleep deprived jittering fool. Vigor-Ex is a much more mellow dose of chemicals.  Fortunately, my wife was feeling the effects too, and we had enough J& B and Grand Marnier to make for a really fun early morning - dragon tatooed Fincher films notwithstanding.

Packaging:5   Buzz:4